E

My Heart:

DEAD.

Cracked
Hollow
Meaningless
Angry
Scared
Depressed
Hurt

NUMB.

U

I know what I said before. And I still want you to be happy. I would give my life to see you smile. And if that means moving, then please do it. Don't let me get in your way. I'm afraid to tell you how I feel because I know there is very little, if anything, keeping you where you are. I know, and I get it. But, being selfish for just a moment, I want to keep you with me, but not if it makes you miserable. I truly love you, and you have no idea what I would do for you. I'm terrified of both outcomes of this.. Either you end up very hurt, or you are so blissfully happy that you don't need me anymore. I don't know how to tell you everything that's in my heart, but please...always remember that I LOVE YOU and I will ALWAYS be here.

Q

People say to let it go.
That I'll find a new friend.
But they don't know,
How much you mean to me.

You've seen me through everything
Put up with all my mistakes
And still you are there for me.
You're the girl I can't ever replace.

Now you're off to live your life
You know I wish you well
And I don't want to cause you strife,
but please...don't leave.

Scare...

Ok, so we had a scare the other day. I got the IUD put in at my 6 week check up after Felicity was born, but I haven't had any sort of period since the initial bleeding stopped. And then I was taking anti-depressiants for my post-partum depression. Then, about a week and a half ago, I started getting nosebleeds. Which is really weird because I've never had them before. So I thought it was just a one time thing, but then they started happening two or three times a day; and on top of that, I was getting really really nausious. No fever, cough, or sore throat, so I knew it wasn't the flu. Then, the thing that really freaked me out was my sudden craving for fruit. That's how my entire first trimester was with Felicity. Fruit and sickness. So I tried going to planned parenthood (because I have NO faith in at-home tests anymore, since every brand I tried with Felicity turned up negative) but they were conveinetly CLOSED. So I made an appointment with Uncle Burk, hoping that maybe my meds were related to my sudden onset of symptoms. But, nope. So I went into the bathroom, peed in a cup (the one reason I envy men...), and they did a preggo test.

NOT pregnant! I was relieved, yet somehow dissapointed. Chris and I want more kids someday, we know that, and I've really been wanting to be pregnant again...but I could live without the new baby in 9 months...is that weird? I've been really missing having Felicity in my belly, feeling her kicks and wiggles...meh. It'll come one day!